I just don't understand.

How does one go.. I can't believe they did this...they make me feel like shit all the time...to... I'm dating them now.?

Today I feel like I've been sucked dry by the Entity, feeding on my hope. Raise it as high as they can, and take it all away. Yet,.. I keep going back, like a fool. I've been warned so many times. I think this time I'll leave the fog and look for other survivors who may actually want to escape together. I've been the killer far too long...letting the entity cloud and warp my mind.

In all seriousness. I've led myself up to believe that there was hope with someone. I know this isn't true. I won't give in again. I don't need this frustration. Regardless if it would be worth it or not. I need to keep looking and searching. But.. I have to keep on the path of self improvement that I've been doing fairly well on. I wonder if anyone ever actually WANTS to be happy. It seems happy people seem to stay far from sad people.. but no one is ever really happy with anything. We strive to be successful... yet even the most successful people are full of regret.

 Existence itself makes no sense to me. One day you and I are going to die. Some say nothing happens, some say you go somewhere else. I have no thought on that except that I don't know and it's way beyond my understanding. Just as why I wonder...people choose to continuously be in misery and to do whatever it takes to make themselves miserable. Is it a sense of comfort? Nothing can go wrong if it's already there? 

  I need to find someone to have a mutual attraction. I yearn for it. I like being alone..but I don't love being alone. I've done some terrible shitty things in my past.. perhaps this is all payback. With endless debt? Must keep moving forward...

  If Death was a singular entity...what would you ask it? I always find the concept of death as something tangible that you can just walk up to and say hi to... fascinating. What would I ask, or say?... Honestly.. I would probably just sit and try to listen as well as my distracted mind could. Would I be afraid of death? I'm not sure... The concept of it kinda sucks. But a being with countless stories and things it could pass on(if willing) would be most interesting.

*sigh*...today's event..will haunt me for a while. It almost feels like a break up from a relationship that never existed except in my own mind. I cannot help how I feel. These are just feelings that will eventually fade away and turn to regret and resentment. 

If the entity calls once again.. I don't think I'll answer.

People keep telling me I deserve better.... but only people who truly know me..know that that is not true. If anything, I DESERVE, no one. I probably deserve this current fate. Oh... speaking of fate. or whatever... I find small omens everywhere.. I'm not sure what they mean...other to annoy me.... I scream at the heavens in public....asking "WHY??? WHY THIS??? WHY THAT??" assuming it knows what I mean. "Oh come on Kyle... the universe is paying attention to JUST you?" no. Why can't it be everyone all the time all at once? why would you think I would limit it's power? O_O... if there is anything... Which some believe there isn't...and others believe there is. I'm not religious. I don't believe in God...but I can't believe that there's nothing. Sorry : /

  I don't want someone who's willing to give me everything..and I don't want anyone who's not willing to meet me half way. Right now though.. I'm not sure I can really..honestly offer anything to anyone. I can't fix doors, I can't drive, I can't repair or upgrade computers. I can't really commit to one thing. But I'm really trying... trying to get better at some things. Just slowly... But I know life won't wait for me.

If you could ask one question...and it's only one. What would it be? To who?... to whatever is out there..or here... or even me O_O (not comparing.. just thought..I'd see if..anyone wanted an answer from me O_o..)

Good night..