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It's Canada Day. I'm inside, playing league of legends, getting very frustrated with losing games and the heat/humidity. Doing laundry and stuff too, cuz all my stuff stinks. I don't really celebrate anything anymore... everything just seems to have lost it's magic. I look at people at work who are so full of life and energy, and I couldn't be bothered. My landlady keeps pushing me to go outside and meet people, but I really don't think I want to.
I also joined OkCupid. A couple of people wanted to meet. I was very excited at first..but then I started to think (but then I can't do all the things I LIKE to do...). It's like.. I want to be in a relationship..but don't at the same time. I think I just want to fill the void that's been left. I feel like I would just settle for the first person to come my way.. but I don't want to do that anymore.. I can't do that anymore.
I just... almost wish I could just head back home to Ottawa again. I mean.. I could.. but..there's stuff I have to do here first. Like.. one namely, finish off my contract, get the divorce in order..if she hasn't started that yet. I dunno... It's really hard to find joy in things anymore. Sure I laugh at podcasts and videos and stuff, but it's fleeting.
A friend asked me days ago "What is this? What is existence? Why do we exist?". So I've been asking random friends and omegle strangers. Most people just don't want to deal with it, or they give answers like "Cuz god created us" "cuz butt sex" "to live your life to the fullest".
I mean, I guess you can't really answer it... I dunno. Nothing really makes sense anymore. I don't think we'll come up with the answer in my lifetime.
How are you?
I know no one really comments here, but, if you want, just let me know how you are
I also joined OkCupid. A couple of people wanted to meet. I was very excited at first..but then I started to think (but then I can't do all the things I LIKE to do...). It's like.. I want to be in a relationship..but don't at the same time. I think I just want to fill the void that's been left. I feel like I would just settle for the first person to come my way.. but I don't want to do that anymore.. I can't do that anymore.
I just... almost wish I could just head back home to Ottawa again. I mean.. I could.. but..there's stuff I have to do here first. Like.. one namely, finish off my contract, get the divorce in order..if she hasn't started that yet. I dunno... It's really hard to find joy in things anymore. Sure I laugh at podcasts and videos and stuff, but it's fleeting.
A friend asked me days ago "What is this? What is existence? Why do we exist?". So I've been asking random friends and omegle strangers. Most people just don't want to deal with it, or they give answers like "Cuz god created us" "cuz butt sex" "to live your life to the fullest".
I mean, I guess you can't really answer it... I dunno. Nothing really makes sense anymore. I don't think we'll come up with the answer in my lifetime.
How are you?
I know no one really comments here, but, if you want, just let me know how you are
Stressed again
I'm hesitant to type this because I know of a little spy who keeps reading these and telling people shit. Blowing things out of proportion... That being said, I'm stressed man. Landlord is raising rent..possibly illegally, and bringing it up with them is gonna be a whole thing that I don't want to deal with. I have been called for Jury duty in Jan... but I don't want to go...even though I know I have to. Ugh... And not to mention, I still don't have a job(not for lack of trying). This shit is so stressful. I hate to say it, but I don't even WANT to work. Like.. I LIKE doing work. I like doing a job, I just loathe everything about it. The process, the people who make things more complicated. The tip toeing about everything. I just want to do my thing and get paid. I thought about going out for a drink to get my mind out of things but GODDAMN!!.. Drinks are insane. Like wtf? Even if I WAS working, this is out of control. $12-20 for a drink? Wtf??? Everyone just shrugs and goes "It
Stagnant times.
Another STAGNANT journal. A month has gone by and I'm still here doing jack shit. I've applied to a bunch of jobs with VERY little replies. Maybe 2? I'm not even sure if I could even do ANY of the jobs I'm applying for. I'm also applying for things that I wouldn't normally apply for. Video editing jobs, Storyboarding, even stuff outside of animation. I don't even FEEL like working. I started doing a couple of things on redbubble to see if they would sell... but now I don't even feel like drawing anything. It's SO hard to get myself to do anything. I pretty much wake up at 3pm everyday(now closer to 4). Piss, brush my teeth, wash my face, see what Ana is up to, then eat. After that I'll play with whatever friends are online(whilst applying to other jobs), eat dinner, then chill with Ana until 11 or 12pm. She goes to bed and then I stare at the computer screen until 7am, watch tik toks until I feel sleepy... rinse and repeat. "Oh! Then you need to change things up! Go for a walk!
Bad place
Mentally, I'm in a bad place right now. I'm not working. I haven't worked since February and I need a job. Shitty thing is... I don't REALLY want to work. BUT I need to. I really don't want to work though.. I'm fed up with it. EVERY job I've worked at, I've LOVED doing the work...but I fucking hate all the people I'm forced to answer to. I don't give a shit if I'm in the wrong. It's about how I FEEL about it. And I don't feel so good about it at all. I'm not a good artist/animator. I don't want to get better. I DO...but I don't want to put the fucking work into it. I don't care if "well that's what you gotta do". I'm telling you.. I don't want to right now. I'm so fucking down atm. Things with Ana and I are fine. We have a few hiccups, but we're mostly fine. She's stressing me out a bit, but I'm sure I'm not helping with her mental stress either. I know what I have to do right now in life...but I don't feel like it. I've done shitty dishwashing jobs and all that crap. I don't want
Weird dream.
I don't remember much before this part but, I was trying to take a taxi with a bunch of people I know. It was full and my grandmother wanted to ride with us. So, I offered up my seat and tried to lie on top of everyone's legs. I didn't fit so I decided to walk. I looked like I was back in my 20's wearing my old yellow shirt I used to wear and light blue jeans. I tried to look for someone else who was taking a taxi. I found this woman living under the bridge. I think she was around my age irl. I offered her a package of pureed pear(like applesauce? not sure why that specifically). In fact, I gave it to her before giving her my conditions, oops. I asked her if I could share her ride. She held the pear sauce stuff, thought for awhile and declined but kept the pear sauce. I sighed, nodded ok, and decided to make my own way downtown. I remember walking in the heat. Took a dip in the water, and somehow found my way to all these old buildings. One of them was the ruins of my childhood
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Comments2
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Happy Canada Day! I wish I could fly over there and give you a big hug!
I hope things get better for you. I was recently diagnosed with depression, and things have been hard. No matter how horrible I feel I try to find good in the little things. Maybe you could try that too. c:
Keep being awesome! I'll always be here for you!
I hope things get better for you. I was recently diagnosed with depression, and things have been hard. No matter how horrible I feel I try to find good in the little things. Maybe you could try that too. c:
Keep being awesome! I'll always be here for you!