garuhn

I'm hesitant to type this because I know of a little spy who keeps reading these and telling people shit. Blowing things out of proportion...

That being said, I'm stressed man. Landlord is raising rent..possibly illegally, and bringing it up with them is gonna be a whole thing that I don't want to deal with. I have been called for Jury duty in Jan... but I don't want to go...even though I know I have to. Ugh... And not to mention, I still don't have a job(not for lack of trying). This shit is so stressful.

I hate to say it, but I don't even WANT to work. Like.. I LIKE doing work. I like doing a job, I just loathe everything about it. The process, the people who make things more complicated. The tip toeing about everything. I just want to do my thing and get paid.

I thought about going out for a drink to get my mind out of things but GODDAMN!!.. Drinks are insane. Like wtf? Even if I WAS working, this is out of control. $12-20 for a drink? Wtf??? Everyone just shrugs and goes "It is what it is!". Why are we okay with this? What can we do? What can I do? "don't drink" But what if I WANT to? "Then you gotta pay." ... I don't want to pay for that price. I'm fed up. Subway is like $15 now too?? Plus they expect you to tip?? Jesus Christ. I feel like I've been holed up in a bunker for years and now I'm just seeing all the changes. Surely the wages have ALSO increased, right? NOPE. Huh??? "ACTUALLY, they have. We'll pay you $18 for licking buttholes!" I don't want to do that...plus that wouldn't even cover rent. What are we doing??

I don't know what to do.. I still feel like fucking child and I'm 41 years old. Wtf man. I'm ridiculous. Don't grow up to be me, please.

I have 0 skills in anything, no direction in life. Somehow I'm with someone who's okay with me being me. I don't understand. That might change though if I don't change soon : / I'm so irritable all the time. Whenever I DO get happy, something just comes along and blows it out of the water. I know I have to rely on myself... no one is coming to "save me". It only took me this long to figure it out. I just... don't know what to do. "GET A JOB" I know.... It's hard man.... even people 1000x more experienced and talented than me are having trouble. It's the employer's who have all the playing cards right now ... or something. I don't know, I'm dumb as fuck.

Oh... I forgot to mention that my sleep schedule is all kinds of fucked up. I've stayed up several times to "reset" my schedule... but I keep sliding back into the gutter. I've never had this much trouble resetting it. Usually one day of no sleep would fix it. I can never sleep early. I just LIE there, doing nothing. I can't pass out. My body is like "what are you doing? we're not sleepy." I've tried melatonin. It gets me SUPER sleepy, but as soon as I pass out, I have to get up to go piss like a race horse and I can't fall back asleep : /.

I'm in a rut I guess. And Mr/Ms Stalker, you're not helping by going behind my back to rat me out. You make things worse for everyone. So go fuck yourself.

Another STAGNANT journal. A month has gone by and I'm still here doing jack shit. I've applied to a bunch of jobs with VERY little replies. Maybe 2? I'm not even sure if I could even do ANY of the jobs I'm applying for. I'm also applying for things that I wouldn't normally apply for. Video editing jobs, Storyboarding, even stuff outside of animation. I don't even FEEL like working. I started doing a couple of things on redbubble to see if they would sell... but now I don't even feel like drawing anything. It's SO hard to get myself to do anything. I pretty much wake up at 3pm everyday(now closer to 4). Piss, brush my teeth, wash my face, see what Ana is up to, then eat. After that I'll play with whatever friends are online(whilst applying to other jobs), eat dinner, then chill with Ana until 11 or 12pm. She goes to bed and then I stare at the computer screen until 7am, watch tik toks until I feel sleepy... rinse and repeat. "Oh! Then you need to change things up! Go for a walk! Make a schedule! Go to sleep earlier!" TOTALLY agree with all that. Am I gonna do it? I guess not. I feel like I physically CAN'T do anything. I was hoping things would have changed after a month. "Sounds like you're depressed". Maybe? I know alot of people would just say I'm being lazy. I have no idea, man... ALL I know is that I want to do things, but I can't do those things. I just won't.

When my ex left me in 2015 I was so DOWN. The only reason why I did stuff outside of the house was because I was afraid to be alone. It wasn't until 2016 that I started doing shit with my life again. I met this girl who made me realize how fat I was and how much of a downer I was becoming. I started to go to the gym and I was fixing my life. I was meeting people, making friends, drawing alot. Made a bunch of silly animations and stuff. Got obsessed with a girl I don't even talk to anymore, which got me to start my "comic". ..... but then my Mom died. I acted like it didn't phase me. I had cried already(or so I thought) and I wanted to move on because I knew holding onto things was bad(like how I was after my ex left me... I know, completely different matters). Things were still ok. I met Ana, we started dating. Things were fine... but then I started my job on a kids show... which was a fucking nightmare. I even flipped out at work a few times. I really thought I was going to be let go.... Things in my head... were not fine. I didn't realize how much things were NOT fine.... I luckily got put on another show..but looking back.. I can tell that I was slowly declining mentally. I also stopped going to the gym.... I was gaining weight again... losing my hard earned muscle XD... Lost a couple of friends due to well... fuck it. She was a turd anyway. She was becoming kind of a shit. Keeping screenshots and text posts of friends to use for later. Giving ultimatums to friends. Fuck her. Anyway... Myself? I wasn't getting any better.... I had left my job after my contract. Offered nothing to return, so I turned them down. Everything was fine in my head... I'll game for a couple of months and then jump back into it!............. Dad died........................ I also didn't go early to see him despite my sister's suggestion... I had to renew some ID of mine to travel back home.. so when I got there..it was pretty much already too late.. Just like with mom.. I had hope... but ...nope. As usual... Doctors had no clue what was wrong with him and couldn't help. Now it was just my sisters and I... "who's next?" is all I could think... I didn't stay much longer after the funeral. The Covid scare was happening, so everyone was starting to panic. I ended up just doing what I do best... and that was to hole myself up at home and hope for the best.

I made a bunch of game videos. I also did my first ACTUAL 2 min animation for a contest. I was pretty proud of it... I was proud of something for once. Didn't let it go to my head. I use it as a marker of what I CAN do if I sit down and do it. I made me happy that I could actually DO something...but another year passed and I was slowly declining again. I ended up getting another job at the end of 2021. At first it was SUPER fun! I enjoyed it and the people I was working with. My first team was REALLY cool. My supervisor was nice and I was FLYING through my scenes! ...but then... for some reason..as productions usually do... they changed teams on me and I had an annoying supervisor who nit picky about the strangest things at times. They were also OBESESSED with hands. I remembered having to redo a hand for an inbetween that was on 1s.. I was like "but no one will see it.... " NOPE! gotta fix it!..... So I was getting a little bummed out. Then something happened with Ana(she's fine now) and it REALLY stressed the FUCK out of both of us. It affected my work too. I was doing scenes MUCH slower. The quality dropped.. I just wanted to get through it and play FFXIV. I was like "FUCK THIS GUY...". They even gave me a page long revision, one day. I flipped out. I brought it up with Production because it was fucked up. NOW.. was there legit notes on there? Yup. So what's the problem? A page of fucking notes. I feel like 70% of it was him being an asshole. I had pissed him off prior to that, and he decided to "teach me a lesson". Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh How I love how self-righteous supervisors. After I complained, he was apologetic about everything and acted like he was stepping on eggshells... which pissed me off even more. I just wanted things to go back to how they were. I wanted off the show as soon as possible so I wouldn't have to deal with this douche.

However.. I honestly don't think I would have reacted the way I did if my mental state wasn't in complete shit. "THAT IS SUCH A LAME EXCUSE".... Ok. Dude, I haven't resolved anything in my mind. I just kept on going, sweeping things under my mental rug until I finally tripped over it. Even my friends are telling me how I'm starting to lose my shit over the smallest things. Like... I was always like that, but not to this extent.

During April of this year, not sure if I mentioned it in another post..but.. I had an amazing mushroom trip. It made me want to take care of myself. I was going to the gym, I was eating better. I was drawing again... but then I got REALLY sick. It wasn't covid... but it was FUCKING rough. Ana and I both were sick for a WHOLE month. During the first couple days of it I was convinced "Ok, this might last for a week.. that's ok. I'll jump back on the horse!"...a month had passed and I was done with it all. I lost hope again. That drive, that motivation... that feeling. I gamed for a few more months until I realized I didn't have any money left...

Last month, I was not in a good place... now I'm just complacent.. or tired? I don't know. I don't see the light at the end of the tunnel atm. Even if I do accepted to a job..... am I going to be able to manage it???

And this month, my harddrive shat the bed. It got corrupted and I lost everything. ALL of my comics, all of my ideas, all of my pics, notes, drawings, everything... I'm just numb now. I even had a HORRIBLE kidney pain. I thought I was having another kidney stone it was so painful. I endured it for a few hours until I broke and finally called an uber to take me. Ana came with me, but as SOON as we got in the car... the pain completely vanished. We went to the hospital anyway, but I sat in a chair there waiting to see if the pain returned. It didn't.. so I decided to go back home. That day ruined my sleep schedule... I was sleeping at a normal time. Everything was fine(in that sense)... but after I got home..went to sleep. I couldn't get back on my normal schedule.... and here I am at 4am.. typing out this journal no one will read. Not like I'm doing it for that.. it's more for dumping out my mental shit. An "outlet", as one would call it.

...........Man.... I don't know where this life is going anymore. I don't have any control. I can take it..but I just.. can't : / I know if I get back in the good vibes again, it's going to be like "Man, how did I just not see I could do this?" It's really weird. When you're like this..everything is impossible.

Song of the day https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2DzR8_VXEa4

Mentally, I'm in a bad place right now. I'm not working. I haven't worked since February and I need a job. Shitty thing is... I don't REALLY want to work. BUT I need to. I really don't want to work though.. I'm fed up with it. EVERY job I've worked at, I've LOVED doing the work...but I fucking hate all the people I'm forced to answer to. I don't give a shit if I'm in the wrong. It's about how I FEEL about it. And I don't feel so good about it at all. I'm not a good artist/animator. I don't want to get better. I DO...but I don't want to put the fucking work into it. I don't care if "well that's what you gotta do". I'm telling you.. I don't want to right now. I'm so fucking down atm. Things with Ana and I are fine. We have a few hiccups, but we're mostly fine. She's stressing me out a bit, but I'm sure I'm not helping with her mental stress either. I know what I have to do right now in life...but I don't feel like it. I've done shitty dishwashing jobs and all that crap. I don't want to do them anymore either. FUCK, I could even just do shitty art. Post alot... Like.. nothing I do HAS to be good. There are plenty of people who do worse crap than I can do, but at least they fucking pump out stuff. I just sit here... think of things to do.. then go "man, but that would entail actually DOING it." and then it just doesn't get done. I'm so fucking stagnant right now that it's fucking mind blowing. YET... I'll farm all fucking day in FFXIV or WOW. Like.. WHAT?? I'll go out of my way to make things for my friends in game. I'll farm for a week to get the right crafting gear to make them an item they'll use like....twice? BUT ask me to draw a fucking line.. just one fucking line..and I'm just "uggggggggggghhhhh it's tooo harrrrddd right now". I can't do anything other than click the mouse buttons. You can't even guilt me right now. It just doesn't do anything. There are artists I admired and/or knew personally but they fucking died, committed suicide or what have you.... yet I'm still here with the ability to continue on... and I fucking don't. If they took my place, they'd be doing SOOOOOO much more with their lives. I'm 40 years old and I've done jack shit. YET... I act like everyone is so much fucking dumber than me. I'm aware of my hypocrisies and uselessness, but I don't fucking do anything to change it.

Whenever I'm on a positive vibe streak.. I go "holy fuck, This was so easy. Why didn't I do this before?". Like.. I KNOW that all I have to do..is just DO something. I just have to START something. I'm surprised I even started this fucking journal I'll probably regret. I wanted to write something for MONTHS! It took me THIS fucking long just to vent online.. Like..HOLY FUCK.

Here's something I want to vent about.... Whenever I'm fucking irrationally angry or upset... no one wants to fucking help me or understand me. Which makes me even MORE fucking frustrated. THEY'RE ALL UPSET AT ME FOR BEING UPSET. Whenever my friends or close ones are upset, ya it sucks that they're taking it out on me but... I don't fucking blame them for being angry.. I try to find out WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY they're upset. What is making them upset. Do they just want to scream and yell? fine... did something happen?? let's find out... But for GOD'S SAKES, can we stop getting upset when someone is upset. It COMES from somewhere... "BUT you're ALWAYS upset, Kyle" NO I'M FUCKING NOT!!! No one wants to remember any time that I'm happy, goofy, trying to bring others up. Complimenting things they do. It's always "you're just ALWAYS ANGRY" BITCH, why do you think I'm angry??? "because you have ANGER problems" No fuck face..it's because something or someone pissed me off. IS IT STUPID??? MAYBE... but it still aggrivates me.

I've had friends fly off the fucking handle off of dumber things that I get upset over. And I get upset over really fucking dumb shit. The thing with me is.. I bottle shit up and explode. USUALLY when everything happens all at once. Oh, I stubbed my toe, oh crap, spilled water on the floor, AAAAHHH my phone is buzzing off the table from so many messages, someone is knocking at the door ALL at the same fucking time. And then I'll blow up and people will go "Well, geez.. that came out of fucking no where.." FUCK YOU. "well, Kyle, they don't know what's wrong or what happened" Ya, I know..and they don't ASK or fucking care.

*sigh*.... That's not entirely fair.. sometimes I don't WANT to fucking talk about it. Sometimes I'm teetering on the edge of bottling it in and blowing up. "What's wrong?" I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT. Because I feel like.. if I just keep it in, it'll blow over. If I think about it right now, I'll blow the fuck up. Ya..maybe I'm wrong on that... but I definitely get called out for being JUST ANGRY, when there's more to it.

Well.. that's out of the way for now... I don't know what to do for a job. I'm so fucked.. I have just enough for OCTOBER'S rent. AFter that... I'll have to rely on Ana...who I don't think wants to help me out.. which is fine... I understand.

I wish I was smart and able enough to figure out a way to get enough money to be comfortable without all the work hassle. I hate answering to people. I like to work though. I hate when friend suggest jobs to me because it's always like "why don't you work for disney?" JESUS fuck.. have you seen my work? I BARELY pass at working for any of my previous jobs.

Just like me..this journal isn't going anywhere.. I'm just in a bad fucking state of mind. I'll regret posting this, but I'll be glad I did at the same time, because it's good to look back and see your own state of mind during certain times.

I don't remember much before this part but, I was trying to take a taxi with a bunch of people I know. It was full and my grandmother wanted to ride with us. So, I offered up my seat and tried to lie on top of everyone's legs. I didn't fit so I decided to walk.

I looked like I was back in my 20's wearing my old yellow shirt I used to wear and light blue jeans. I tried to look for someone else who was taking a taxi. I found this woman living under the bridge. I think she was around my age irl. I offered her a package of pureed pear(like applesauce? not sure why that specifically). In fact, I gave it to her before giving her my conditions, oops. I asked her if I could share her ride. She held the pear sauce stuff, thought for awhile and declined but kept the pear sauce. I sighed, nodded ok, and decided to make my own way downtown.

I remember walking in the heat. Took a dip in the water, and somehow found my way to all these old buildings. One of them was the ruins of my childhood home. I took a small tour of it. I felt a little sad. The surrounding area of ruined homes was ..... weird to me. People were strolling through and around them. Like the houses were just a part of life.

I ended up leaving the area into a new one. It was all this..... hindu architecture? It was really neat. This was all still part of Ottawa for some reason. I somehow came across this touristy part where they offered to teach you how to make these revenge trinkets(it was just a dream, I have no idea if this has any correlation with the Hindu theme). When I walked into the room to learn, there was no one there. There was a box of elastics that for some reason I decided to pocket them. I picked up the instruction booklet and begun to read.

As I read, more people started to come in. I noticed that I was now wearing my trenchcoat and black turtleneck that I used to wear in my 20's. I also recognized someone from when I worked in the Vancouver office job I had. She wasn't pleased to see me, but we decided to ignore each other's existence. People were looking for the elastics. I was like "oh... why did I take those..." and I was going to give them back, but I didn't want people to think that I was a thief...even though I guess I was.

Suddenly, my right side of my body was feeling numb outside of the dream. I thought to myself "but I'm not lying on my right side..." and ripped myself out of my dream to wake up. As I woke up, I could distinctly hear something above me disappear but sounded like it was burning away.. if that makes sense. I looked up and saw nothing, but it felt like a presence was watching me sleep? I don't know... anyhoo.... That was my dream.

It's almost 5 am. These days are very warm/hot for BC. Usually I'm freezing during the night in this basement. I'm living in a basement suite with my gf Ana. I haven't worked for over a year by choice. I tend to do that a lot. There's times in my life I've been able to get away with just not working for months to a year or so.

Working in animation, I've been able to save enough to do nothing for a good time. I really like it because I really hate working. I don't like working with other people. I LOVE animating. I love drawing. But I don't like being reminded everyday of how I really suck at the job. I don't put in the work to get better, usually...

Most of my days are spent waking up at 2pm, saying good morning to Ana, go for a piss, then plop myself in front of the computer and wait for my friends to get online. What I WANT to do.. is play something without them. Draw, work on my animation, listen to music. NOPE... it's just me waiting for them to get on. Playing some game that'll make me miserable(not due to them, but pvp stuff).

Usually, I want to hang out with Ana during the night, but.. my new neighbor wants to play his music JUST loud enough that it distracts/annoys me while we watch things or talk.... but not loud enough to complain to anyone. My Landlords are having this weird water/plumbing issue lately too... I've asked them about it but they just ignore my messages. They water the lawn the whole day(we share a water bill). During the night I can still hear water on for some reason. Faulty toilet? someone left a tap on?...who knows. It's there and it bugs the fuck out of me. .....but why do I care? I don't know. They obviously don't want to fix it. I seem to run into problems that they are NEVER aware of. I get very stressed out too because is very relaxed about stuff like this and she either doesn't notice or care. Sometimes I feel like the world is falling apart around me and no one is aware. Like everyone's hair is on fire and I'm trying to tell them it is "Oh? It is?... huh.. I didn't notice...". I'm starting to think that I'm HYPERaware or vigilant or something. I always seem to notice small, annoying things. When I was younger, I remember coming home to the doorlock bashed open. I slowly peek through to see who's there. I see my mom and my aunt. I looked at them stunned and ask "what happened to the door????" they look at me confused "the door?" they look at it "oh..that's weird. What happened??"............................... I remember waking up to our house being robbed, but I thought it was my dad JUST getting home(he worked late) so I didn't bother with it. I woke up at 6am, went up stairs to see the door wide open and the window slid up. I scream out to my dad. We found out they walked all around the house. They even went beside my sister's bed and stole money RIGHT from her bedside table. No one noticed anything. (neither did you) NO... I did, I just thought it was my dad who worked stupid hours all the time. I found the flood in our basement that no one seemed to notice..... there's so much now that I think about it. God.. I need to relax... I thought I was so relaxed. But I'm really just a ball of stress all the time. High strung?.... When I play games with the guys, they never are aware of shit around them and it REALLY stresses me out. I'm not very good at communicating either so I just blurt out "GUYS!! THE... THING... OVER.... DO YOU NOT SEE IT?!?!?" and I get frustrated. I wish I didn't care so much about dumb shit. I wish I could just be blissfully unaware of things... I wish neighbors blasting music didn't bother me... it doesn't bother Ana for some reason.

Ughh.... I told myself I was going to listen to music and draw tonight. Nope.. what did I do instead? Play 6 hours of videos games instead of doing anything productive. "But Kyle! It's good to relax! You sound like you need it!" No.. ALL I DO IS SIT ON MY ASS AND DO NOTHING. I wasn't even going to type this all out. I was going to sit here and look at twitch streams and reddit boobies. Sometimes I look at pics from the past and get sad about how I was happy.

You know.. I still haven't cleaned my room up since I moved in here 2-3 years ago. I feel like our landlords don't really care for me much and would love it if we just left.

......... I have to get a job... but I don't know what to do. I can TRY to get another job with another animation studio. I don't really want to work on another stupid show with 10 million characters on screen at the same time with the same tropes and terrible designs. They're ALL so proud of it too. God damn. I don't HATE the shows I worked on, but people don't watch our shows and they're kinda bland to be honest. They're just cut and paste shows that the execs pick up for easy money. People in production are left high and dry so much, pre planning doesn't get enough time to finish anything for the rest of us. And... I never feel like I accomplished anything by working on anything.

The last thing I worked on was the Among Us animation. I got surprisingly got alot of good feed back on that. I have another one in the works..but I haven't touched it since the middle of May. I have 0 drive for anything right now. I played the crap out of final fantasy 14.. there's stuff I still want to do in that..but it's MORE fun with friends. No one really wants to play it... I don't really blame them because it's not that fun for them. I'm just trying to chase the fun I had when we all played it together for the first time. Doing dungeons, trials, goofing around our Free company house..... I miss it...

I'm afraid that I'll die every night. I'm afraid more people I care about are going to die. After both my parents dying... I just keep getting bummed out and I haven't faced it or resolved my emotions over it. I try to push myself away from family because I don't want to see them when they die. I don't want to die. But I'm so useless. "Well, get yourself together and get to work!!! Lazy sack of shit!" I don't want to. I don't want to put effort into anything. Why won't I do anything.... why am I like this??.........."you're just lazy.." THAT DOESN'T SOLVE ANYTHING. It's just dismissive and useless.

I don't contribute to anything. I still have money for rent and food...but I don't do anything. Ana wants a house someday with me... but I can't see that as a possibility. The only thing that keeps me going in that way... is the fact that I used to think that I'd NEVER be an animator. But I became one. Somehow... I wanted to be a web animator like all my favs. Harry Partridge, Ego Raptor, OneyNG, JohnnyUtah, Zeurel, and pretty much all those newgrounds animators. I wanted this since I was 18 to put something on that site. I finally did in 2012 https://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/597834 It was terrible, but I had a blast making it. I didn't really make a new one until 2017. I just want to make people laugh at my dumb jokes. It's just it takes effort and time. I'm so worried about time.... I worry so much about it..that I've wasted 3/4 of my life worrying about it. Dude.... time goes by .... sooooooooooooooooooooooooo fucking fast now. It's so goddamn scary. I just want someone to convince me that it's going to be ok. It goes fast when I'm having fun..it goes fast when I'm bored...it goes fast when I'm doing something I don't want to do too, now. I feel like I JUST woke up in my bed and it's already time for bed. That's another reason why I don't want to work... wake up...commute, sit in a chair for 70% of the day, commute back home, eat, have like... 2hrs of whatever time.. then it's time to sleep. And it makes me miserable...... but I'm MISERABLE NOW TOO........ I wish I could just enjoy this time....

Last year, before Covid and my dad dying. I WAS enjoying it. I had a blast. I WAS SO HAPPY to be free from my job. But then I got that call from my sister....dad is in the hospital and it doesn't look good............... oh god..here we go again........ With Mom, it was a long process of her slowly dying and a crippling dread that was horrible for everyone...especially Mom... ............. with Dad...it just.. happened. He was there... then he wasn't.

I know none of you believe in the paranormal. I don't even know if I fucking believe it... but when my dad died. My little sister and I were in another room(we didn't want to see them pull the plug on him). I felt a rush of energy wave over me. I felt like Dad came into our room and was like "Where were you guys???" and then it disappeared and I was like "Meg....dad just died". A few seconds later, my older sister came into the room bawling her eyes out "HE'S GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I know... Dad was there. I can't prove it of course.. but I know it. But if there REALLY is a fucking afterlife....... fuck.. I don't know. I can't accept that there's nothing, but it makes sense. It's just too weird to think we just appear somewhere else after. It doesn't make sense... but neither does existence..... FUCK man...

........................................I don't know what I'm doing... I hate myself and I don't want to live and I don't want to die. I've done nothing of merit and I probably never will.. I just wish I didn't care about that or anything. I wish I could just LET IT GO..... This world is so fucking dark........

If you read all of this... don't give up on yourself. Keep trying. Enjoy your time.